One of my favourite things about WordPress is the “Stats” section that I periodically check for an occasional laugh (see past blogpost Just For Fun).

By far, the most commonly searched phrase that leads curious wanderers to my site is “Behold God is great.”  I figure we’re either seeing a sovereign move of God [which is completely possibly] or people are hearing Corey Russell preach on Tozer and his wife sing her rock-tacular song with words borrowed from Job 36.

My suggestion for both those who are feeling stirred to Google the majesty of God and those looking to hear some Russell preachin’ n teachin’ go HERE and check out Corey’s latest album, Eyes Opened, featuring his wife’s song, Behold God is Great as well as one by Laura Hackett.

Like his two prior albums, Eyes Opened features live teaching overlaid with powerful rock/trance/hip-hop music.  I can honestly say that Corey’s teachings on holiness, the throne room of God, and Jesus as our eternal intercessor have changed my life. I highly recommend listening to them if you struggle with feeling like your prayer life is dull.  They will wake you up, to say the least.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.          -Ephesians 1:17-19

Meet my Mom’s cat.

His name is Beau [they spell it Bo, but I refuse to acknowledge that his whole name is Mr. Bojangles.]

Let’s just say that Beau, like most other cats, has a few loose screws.  He disregards anyone other than my Mom and friends with cat allergies.  He pees in laundry baskets.  Or on beds.  Or pillows.  It’s his passive aggressive way of telling us he has pent up frustrations.

Beau spends the majority of his day on our family room futon, watching the backyard birds swarm around a bird feeder that hangs just outside the large window.  [I think my Dad strategically placed the feeder there to torture the cat.]  I have seen that cat sit perfectly still in an anticipatory little ball of make-believe predator, just waiting for the “perfect moment” to “attack” fluttery chirping neighbors.  Then………….wait for it……..wait……………………..BAM!!!!!!!

The noise can be heard through the entire house as the cat launches himself full-force into the window in hopes of winning a tasty prize for his patience.  He does this several times a day, which might explain a few psychological loose screws.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that Beau can’t help what his instincts are telling him.  He was made to hunt.  He was made to be outside stalking birds and lizards and whatever else he could get his little paws on.  It makes me sad to think that he has never experienced life beyond the windows of our two-story house.

Sometimes in the silliest way I find myself relating to this cat’s situation.  I’ve traveled the world, tasted delicacies, been in love, and even experienced glorious fragments of who Jesus is, and yet I still feel that pull in my heart, saying, “You were made for something unimaginably beyond what you’ve felt, tasted, seen or heard.”

Sometimes it’s as though things align and come perfectly into focus and it’s so easy to see your destiny and hopes…..just on the other side of that glass….so real and within reach……and then…….BAM!!!!

Momentary satisfaction.  A slice of time screams at your heart, “You were created for this! Is there nothing better in the world than worshiping Jesus with arms wide open, a blameless heart, and a mix of breath and spirit streaming out of your lungs? This is what you love, because this is what you were made for!”

And then you realize you’re still in the house.  The feelings are gone.  The dream is over, though you know it was real.  So you brush yourself off and set yourself back into position, knowing that someday either that glass is going to break or you are.

You learn patience, hope, and faith. Because He who called you is faithful.

Behold, there he stands

behind our wall,

gazing through the windows,

looking through the lattice.

My beloved speaks and says to me:

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,

and come away,

for behold, the winter is past,

the rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth,

the time of singing has come,

and the voice of the turtledove

is heard in our land.”

-Song of Solomon 2:9-12

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For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ. -Titus 2:11-13

Dear Christian music scene:

First of all, I honestly appreciate and value the music you produce that has influenced my life and given me stepping stones to the feet of Jesus.

That being said, I have a few semi-qualified opinions as a fellow musician and worshiper who dreams of music created for a higher purpose than ambient noise.  You know what has really bugged me lately?

Seeing the majority of Christian artists fill up half of their CD’s with covers of already popular worship songs.

Why? Do they feel as though they could produce a better ‘product’ than their comrades? Forgive me for the shallow insight, but are they trying to capitalize off of the gift God gave to their brother or sister in Christ? Did they run out of fresh material, but really wanted to get the album out before Christmas, so they pumped up the latest Matt Redman single with a few extra cellos? Or is there some Nashville rule about songs being played on the radio 5.2 billion times before a new one can be released?

Whatever the reasoning, it frustrates me.  With all of the resources [time, money, spiritual gifting, etc] that go into these albums, why aren’t artists treating their ministry platforms like precious opportunities to teach people the knowledge of who Jesus is?

It’s as if the Nashville world of pseudo-Christian pop is really just a Facebook “Top Friends” application, where musicians record and donate songs to one another just to pass the time – a sort of high-five in the public eye.

Please forgive the subtle rage behind my rant.  Let’s just call it passion.  My beehive of opinions has been a bit provoked by David Crowder’s recent release of “How He Loves Us”, the worshipful ‘opus’ of John Mark McMillan [Go compare the two versions, tell me what you think.]  If you aren’t familiar with John Mark, go listen to him.  Right now.  I can’t really see any reason behind Crowder’s covering it, making it more “seeker-sensitive” by changing a few lyrics, and probably making lots of money from it.  Oops, did I just say that?

Sorry, Crowder.  I love your music, really.  But don’t fix it if it’s not broken.

————————

Another point that I forgot to make earlier has to do with Keith Green.  Just about every Christian artist I know holds Keith in such high esteem, yet this whole system is exactly what he preached against.  He would scream at people when they clapped for him and refused to put a price tag on albums and concerts.  His music was theological steak because it came directly from the Word of God [vs. some of today's songs where you can hardly tell if the young tenor's wafty lyrics are about Jesus or his codependent relationship with a girl.]

Here are links to a few of Keith’s teachings from www.KeithGreen.com in regards to music and ministry:

• So You Wanna Be A Rock Star

“The Lord commands you, “Deny yourself take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23). My piano is not my cross, it is my tool. I’d never play it again if God would show me a more effective tool in my life for proclaiming His Gospel.”

• Can God Use Rock Music?

“It isn’t the beat that offends me, nor the volume – It’s the spirit. It’s the “Look at me!” attitude I have seen in concert after concert, and the “Can’t you see we’re as good as the world?” syndrome I have heard on record after record. Jesus doesn’t want us to be as good as the world, He wants us to be better! And that doesn’t mean excelling them in sound, style, or talent – it means surpassing them in value – in our motives for being up there on stage, in our reasons for singing our songs, and especially in who we’re singing for! If there’s anything wrong or worldly at all about so-called “Christian rock,” it’s the self-exalting spirit and attitude that comes across so loud and clear in many of the records and concerts today.”

I’m blogging in the airport…again.  I guess it’s the easiest way to force myself to condense and process three weeks devoid of any sort of writing.  The San Diego airport is a complete ghosttown, a luxury compared to countless memories of the horrors of LAX.

While checking my baggage at the curbside checkin, a sweet younger man asked me if I was headed home.  I have to wonder if the time it took me to reply made him question my sobriety.  It brought back that same question that has been simmering in my mind for weeks, months, and almost a year [since I have lived in Kansas City since last July.]

Where is home?

Up until now, home has always been a no-brainer — wherever my parents live, which happens to be Oceanside, CA.  As I’ve meandered the path of young adulthood, I have realized that home has so much more to do with people than any geographic location.

This past month, my Mom, my best friend, and I traveled with a group of other Californians to Bucerias, Mexico to do missions and humanitarian work.  We stayed in the same place, Villa Amor, that we have been going to since I was a young teenager.  Nostalgia kicked in as we said goodbye to our long-term “missions church family”, as I call it, and I suddenly realized that my deep emotional ties to our trips with Circle of Concern had much more to do with each person that I have shared those memories with.  

*See pictures from our trip here

As I head from the West back to the Midwest, there is a certain sense of being homeward bound, but there is also the heartbreaking emotion of leaving behind people that have at one time or another felt like my home.

I’m coming to terms with biblical terms such as ’sojourners’, ‘pilgrims in the earth’, and ‘longing for the heavenly tent [dwelling]‘ as I realize that this sense of homey longing is not a sign of my emotional instability or feeling unsettled in the present, but a reminder that I was created for a different sort of home: an eternal one without decay, lost friends, or regret.

Part of me wants to imagine that marriage or having my own family will rebirth this comforting sense of home that embraced me as a child, however I know through witnessing tragic divorces and hurting families, that it is but a mirage that will only satisfy to an extent.  Jesus is meant to be my home, and the same hunger that drove me to him when I was 19 and happy in every material sense will continue to remind me that I am but a pilgrim.

It is a pleasant reminder:

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

⁴“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

⁵“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

⁶“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Matthew 5

So I’ve had quite the week of navel-gazing, as they call it.  It seems to be the vice that I fall back on when I have too much time sit around and think about stuff.  Temporarily housebound from the blizzard this past weekend left me in a state of feeling the deep need to get “sozo’ed”, a Greek word in the New Testament and a term for popular program at Bethel Church in Redding, Ca known for its more holistic approach to healing, both physical and emotional.

Perhaps it comes from my deep interest in the study of psychology that turns my thoughts inward.  In attempts to diagnose myself with a cause and a cure, I end up in a state of mental and emotional hypochondria.

Before I become introspective about my chronic introspection [lol], let me cut myself off and say that the Lord is delivering me of it! Through studying the life of David in my most recent FSM class, I am coming to terms with David’s immense imperfections and the way that the Lord dealt mercifully with his unbelief, bold sins, and tender repentance.

As usual, God has given me a revelation of this through Jesus.  By looking at the Cross, He encourages me to “put on the new man” and no longer submit myself to the workings of the law and the flesh.  Jesus died both to spare me from having to earn perfection and to give me access to perfection by the workings of the Holy Spirit.  By His perfection I am healed.  He attained the image of perfection and was still charged as guilty [2 Corinthians 5:21].

Brothers and sisters, if our striving to be like Him are not empowered by the Spirit’s work within us, then we will come up short, exhausted, and unencouraged by our own inability to produce a righteous heart.  Having the Spirit of God inside of us and choosing to live by the power of the Spirit are two separate things.

“Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. ¹³For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, ¹⁴because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.” Romans 8:12-14

Thank you Jesus, for your yoke is easy and your burden is light, should we understand what it means to walk in it.  Teach us to yearn for righteousness from a place of restful sonship.  Thank you for your Spirit.

March 25, 2009

I haven’t heard any news via groundhog but I would say its fair enough to proclaim the arrival of spring here in Kansas City. [Side note, I found out we have a groundhog or a woodchuck living under our porch. I have named him Chuck, as in Norris] After a few sporadic bouts of rain [and thunder =)] entire lawns have sprung up from ground, as well as daffodils in nearly every front yard, not excluding my own.

This morning I went for a lengthy walk/jog through our meandering suburbian streets.  It was stunningly beautiful.

Beauty is a concept that has been at the forefront of my mind for weeks, and at times when I haven’t been pondering it, God has done a pleasant job reminding me of it.  What is beauty? When you really stop to think about it, it is somewhat strange that we all agree that there is an attribute known as beauty.  Many can even agree on certain things that possess it.  However, it is a mysterious and slippery concept to try and clutch in ones hands to examine, let alone define or measure.

For the past three weeks or so, every single day has provided a window for me to at least consider the implications of beauty.  For example, *every day* I have encountered a text or compliment from a friend telling me that I am beautiful, a song in the prayer room about the Lord’s beauty, or insight into His beauty in scripture and nature.  I even decided to read a book called The Evidential Power of Beauty: Science & Theology Meet [which I can highly recommend] without even realizing it! Another book that I practically devoured is Visions Beyond The Veil, which is about visions of heaven, hell, and the End Times given to a group of orphans in China.  All of the visions were profoundly biblical and illuminating.

On my walk today I was listening to Misty Edward’s song Eternity [go listen to it!] and got caught up thinking about all of this beauty stuff =) I was stirred in my soul to worship God, feeling like a wide-eyed child as I looked at my colorfully budding surroundings.  There are times when you have to press through moods and laziness to eek out a word of praise [and doing so because He is worthy and we know that our emotions are do not dictate reality] and there are times when it comes bubbling out of you until you feel like your are going to explode.  In that combustive moment I grasped the natural bond between beauty and worship. In light of this, it is no wonder so many of us are trapped in tiresome searches to worship a beauty that satisfies, be it material things, pornography, or an addiction to self-improvement [indulging in makeup, fitness, etc].

Did you know that you were actually made to gaze on Something [or should I say Someone] beautiful? Have you read the fearful and wonderful descriptions of the throne room in heaven? [Isaiah 6, Ezekiel 1, Revelation 4]

Paul talks about this nagging ache for more in 2 Corinthians 5 as he describes our present state as being in the “earthly tents”:

⁴For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.  ⁶Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷We live by faith, not by sight. ⁸We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

It is in this context that we are to carry the “walk by faith, not by sight” verse.  We are living for an eternal calling in Christ, with heaven as our home.  Sometimes feeling the sting of being only pilgrims on the earth [Psalm 84], He has given us His Spirit as a deposit [also translated as 'down-payment'] to stir up our faith and remind us of eternity future.

At one point on my walk, I approached an impressively large and burly old tree.  I curiously thought to myself, “I was created to outlive this tree.”

Monday the 23rd

Higher Grounds Coffee

A forewarning – this will be a shorter post, as I am looking forward to a soup/coffee date with a girlfriend in a few minutes.  It’s probably a good thing, because I realize that many of my writings have turned into essays of epic proportions.  If only homework flowed so easily.

Here’s a brief list of new things in the life of DeGraff…

• I have started eating more organic food. I know, it’s shocking.  I have always been the scoffer of vegans [and still am, mostly because I think their rants on soy and stealing honey from bees are oppressive], however I have recently gravitated towards a healthier and less-processed diet.  Due to long hours spent in either a prayer room or a classroom, my body has decided to make some [ahem] changes…and so I am retaliating with some changes of my own.  Plus organic milk tastes so much better! Trust me…it’s worth the extra dollar.  Also on the list is this amazing organic granola with dark chocolate and almonds.  I really can’t explain to you why it is lower in fat than regular granola but it is oh so tasty.  Another thing I’m trying out is the Bragg’s raw vinegar.  When mixed with all natural apple juice it is nice and tangy and actually gives me a great boost of energy.  Supposedly the Bragg’s helps you detox..we’ll see.  I’m also in the process of drinking a cup of chai tea in the AM instead of [approximately 32 oz of] coffee throughout the day.

• I am now on Twitter! This action-packed social networking tool [vice] gives me something to do for those 45 seconds of boredom at stop-lights, between sips of organic coffee [I mean chai], and while detoxing [n/c].  Actually I really love it because via Drudge Report and various news stations it keeps me up to date on news and gives me a great outlet for witty comments/observations/roasts/etc.  Check it out by clicking on one of the many “Follow Me” birds floating around on my blog =)

• I have happily installed NetNewsWire on my laptop and am now following blogs! Yes that’s right, I am following you and reading about your mostest deepest darkest secrets that you have posted online ;)      Actually this has become a highlight of my freetime! I am now feeling much more in-the-loop regarding my friends’ lives and hope it stirs me to start blogging more frequently.  I have also taken a liking to several entertainment based blogs, including Totally Looks Like, Stuff White People Like, and Epic Wins (from when we were kids).  Yeah, I’m a dork, but it’s just more fun that way.

• Ten minutes ago I had a [dyslexic] epiphany of why I have always confused Sigmund Freud and Siegfried & Roy.  There’s your sign folks, it’s time for coff… err chai…and soup.

Until we meet again =)

December 26th

Airport

Where did you come up with that faithfulness?

What were you doing on the day you thought of faithfulness?

When did you come up with the colour red?

I know you knew

Your Son would shed red

For me

I know on that day you knew…

Come with all your goodness

Come with all your faithfulness

Come with all your love

Hallelujah

Man,  I am so loving Anthony Skinner’s CD, Forever And A Day.

I am sitting in San Diego’s beautiful airport, day after Christmas, and I should probably be stressed or tired or anxious because that’s what traveling does, right? Instead I am contently munching on cinnamon trail mix [sooo good] and inspired to respond to traveling in the usual way – writing.

So here’s the story of the morning.  The original plan was to fly out of SD at 9:35am, connect in Chicago, and land in Kansas City at 6:30pm.  So I arrived at the airport a little before 8am, glad to have bypassed any traffic, and feeling like perhaps the whole world had decided to take a second day off work.  That is, until I walked into the checking area and instantly felt that old familiar ‘cattle in the branding pen’ vibe.  Looking at the boarding pass I had printed at home, I realized that it was marked “Priority Access”.  I got to wait in the short line on some fancy red carpet, feeling like some sort of celebrity incognito with my giant purse and freshly cut and dyed hair.  No worries though, I am not ‘that one girl’ at the airport with the high heels on.  I’m more of a Vans girl =)

So as I make my way down my velvet runway, I notice signs all around that it now costs $15 to check on bag, and $25 to check two.  Lame! There’s the spirit of Christmas greed for ya; “Let’s capitalize on the fact that everyone has bags full of presents.”  As the hurried American Airlines worker checks my bags, I’m thinking to myself, “Hm cash or card…” and before I know it, she has given me my boarding pass and I am free…of charge!  She also had switched my flight to one leaving an hour and a half later with no explanation of why or what the implications would be.

Going through the usual invasive barrage of security demands, I eventually find Gate 31, which is not located between Gates 30 and 32, but across the terminal.  Logically.  When I sat down, I immediately began to think of the goodness of the Lord.  A certain verse in Hosea tells us that “He leads us with cords of kindness.”  Feeling a tiny stressed about having my flights switched, I began to reminisce on one of the more mysterious nights of my life.  The short version: I got absolutely lost in the middle of industrial Kansas City in someone else’s car…at night…by myself…in the rain…and out of gas.  I calmed my heart in prayer and envisioned a well-lit busy 7-11.  Three blocks later, I found it.  After having a pimp unsuccessfully try to buy my Cheez-its, orange juice, and gas [and possibly my soul], I quickly tanked up and then drove in one direction for fifteen minutes until I arrived at a highway that would take me home.  The strange thing was that I got home about thirty minutes earlier than I should have…

That was one of those nights that made me think about the invisible ways that God works in our lives.  I remember driving down the highway and wondering if my little ‘detour’ prevented me from getting in some major accident.  We so often accuse God of not answering our prayers, but we really have no grid for His unseen work in our lives.

Sitting in the aiport, I decided to check the new flight times and figure out the rest of the day.  Somehow, I am scheduled to land in Kansas City, thirty minutes earlier than expected.

What were you doing the day you thought of goodness?

Were you thinking of the moment I might be walking along and need just a little more…

What were you thinking of?

December 1oth

Higher Grounds Coffee

There’s snow outside!!!

I’m on winter break! It is strange to realize that I have been here at the House of Prayer for six months, but nonetheless I feel as though I have grown into a new person.  It’s sort of like the way that hermit crabs find new shells…I feel like this one is substantially larger than the last, more unique, and still leaves immense room for growth.  Cheers to anyone who is picturing me as a hermit crab right now =)

Since I am unable to frequently talk to just about anyone back at home, here’s a brief synopsis of themes I have studied over the past few months here at IHOP’s School of Ministry:

• Eternal Glories of the Intercessor – taught by Corey Russell, this class included the first teachings I have ever heard about Christ being our great high priest. It brought me to the base of the Cross with a new clarity of salvation and a deep appreciation for our beautiful Saviour [for those who are unaware, I lived in New Zealand for 4 months and have since taken a liking to spelling words with 'u's.]  Anyways, read Hebrews 3-8.
• Biblical Foundations of Eschatology – taught by Dave Sliker, this class fueled my prayers for the lost, helped me understand the chronological flow of the book of Revelation, debunked common misconceptions about the 2nd Coming [one of the biggest ones being Matthew 24:36 - No one knows the day or hour DOES NOT EQUAL no one can ever know the day or hour.  So many misinterpretations...]
• Song of Solomon – taught by Dwayne and Jennifer Roberts, this course’s purpose was to study the best of all of King Solomon’s 1000+ songs [!] as an allegorical story and dialogue between Jesus and His Bride, the church.  As a believer and part of the Bride, I studied this book from a place of personal relationship as Jesus’ Beloved and went through some intense inner healing as He spoke beauty and identity over me, as well as revelation into the ways He matured me through the trials of the past two years.
• Excellencies of Christ [Christology I] – taught by Allen Hood, this class has been a series of online videos that I have been studying for two months.  It has been astounding to study the life, divinity, and humility of Jesus Christ at the same time as studying His intercession upon the Cross, His End Times plan to be reconciled to humanity, and His passionate jealous love to have a Bride.  He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He is the exact image of the Father.  He was misunderstood when He came in the flesh and is equally misunderstood today.  Folks, we will never reach the depths of this Man, but oh how I want to!

That being said, I love that it all comes back to Jesus.  Here’s part of a meditation assignment I had to write on John 1 about the Word being made flesh.  Enjoy.

My time spent at IHOP has brought more inner revelation about ‘the Word’ than any other period of my life.  It seems to be from a combination of long hours in the prayer room and the intensive Bible studies.  Seeing Christ in Isaiah, John, and Revelation all at the same time is mind-blowing because there is such continuity in the language and character of this Person.  Although I’m extremely busy with all of the homework, I am grateful to be able to study Excellencies of Christ (eSchool), Song of Solomon, and the Book of Revelation all at once because it reminds me that even after all of our meticulous searches of phrases and words, the general picture of Jesus Christ is in agreement with itself, and that studying Him will reveal God the Father to us.

Calling Jesus ‘the Word’ actually makes a lot of sense to me because it makes me think of the Jesus of the Prophets.  I think of how we can see reflections of him, whether slight or blaring, all throughout the Old Testament in the Psalms, Isaiah, Malachi, Song of Solomon etc.  This makes me think of Jesus when on the road to Emmaus.  I picture his emotions as he speaks with the disciples, unraveling to them mysteries that had been hidden to the ears of man for thousands of years.  Being the One anointed with the oil of gladness [Psalm 45], I imagine him being exceedingly joyful to share the depths of himself with the blessed men who were listening.  Though having been discipled by Christ for 3 years, these men still had not stepped into the revelation of Christ as the Word [in the sense of the written word.]  I’m suddenly thinking of the common phrase, “I give you my word,” and the implications of understanding this…well…word, in the same context.  This phrase has the implication of promise, assurance, and guarantee to it.  One might even use the word ‘covenant’.  This is exactly what Jesus was from the Father – a promise of His love for us, an assuring seal that we would become His children, and an establishment of the new covenant in the blood of Christ.

I imagine the Father and the Son communing together before laying the foundations of the earth and plotting all of the world’s future history as we know it.  I imagine them like parents orchestrating an Easter egg hunt for small children, taking great delight in scattering the small treasures of love, waiting eagerly for the children to find the more difficultly concealed ones.  What was it like for Jesus to listen to Isaiah write about him? In one sense, His Spirit was motivating the writing, but what was it like for Jesus to feel the emotion of being discovered as the Messiah who died and to feel Isaiah’s own response to that?

In this photo (left to right): Tony’s Creole Seasoning, Salad Supreme Seasoning, Chocolate Malt-O-Meal, Apple Pie Spice, Pizza Seasoning, Spike, and Easy-Mac.

I call this photo ‘Ode to the Bachelor Pantry.’  This goes out to all you fellows who used to live in this house, and probably could apply to the majority of single 18 to 20-something year old males living in an environment lacking the presence of a female.  I must say that my appreciation of the Cajun seasoning cannot be undermined, as it is the sole thing other than grace that gets me through fasting.  If I make my soup spicy enough, it seems to take away the hunger element in profound ways.  I guess what inspired this blog is how funny it is that there is such a thing as Apple Pie Spice or Pizza Seasoning.  What would you add those to other than…well…apple pie or pizza? Or did some guy accidentally buy Original Pringles, and then think, “Shoot I meant to get the pizza flavoured ones…oh well I’ll just buy some Pizza Seasoning and then everything can have that straight-out-of-the-can/bag/box taste!”

In a community filled with weddings and couples and babies, I guess my maternal instincts are finally rising to the surface.  I am suddenly thinking about how nice it would be to have a family to cook REAL apple pie for.  I am suddenly eager to have children, which is a HUGE step for me – haha ask my mom.  I am excited about naming my children and watching them encounter Jesus and seeing them grow up to be fierce little messengers of the Returning King.

I think part of me also feels anxious to get a head start on the whole domestic thing after seeing where our world stands today.  Especially as a nation, we are coming into some serious shifts that will have dire effects on the generation to come if we act hastily.

I’m still reading this great book by Bob Sorge, called The Fire of Delayed Answers, and a particular chapter really struck my heart.  Bob talks about the testing of King Hezekiah, and how he was warned by the prophet Isaiah, “And they [Babylon] shall take away some of your sons who will descend from you, whom you will beget; and they shall be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon,” in Isaiah 39:7.  And Hezekiah’s response, “The word of the Lord which you have spoken is good! For he said, ‘At least there will be peace and truth in my days,’” is a shocking one.  As Sorge says, “God’s judgment involved the generations to come, so Hezekiah takes on a passive stance.  His response sounds pious, but in actuality it’s very lazy.”

It seems like such a jarring reaction, yet it leaves me convicted to the depths of my soul because I see this exact same response in myself.

For those of you that know me, I try my best to stay out of political debates, however the Lord has hit me with a weight and a personal responsibility to have a say over things occurring in this hour.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about ‘going green’ even though that is important as well.  If we do not take a stand for the biblical [and not to mention the original and sole purpose before it became civic] meaning of marriage then our children will live in an extremely confusing and deceiving world.  Outside of our will and knowledge, our children will be taught about the homosexual lifestyle in our public schools and we will have no say in it.  AND the option of home-schooling is already being removed.  I’m sure some of you are raging at me right now, but I have to wonder if you have considered what it will be like when your kids live out their teenage years in a swirl of confusion over their own gender identity, wondering whether being born a boy or a girl was a mistake.  This is absolutely unbiblical for us to think that the Lord made us to be something we are not  Read Psalm 139.

We must take a stand for Prop 8, NOT because it is ‘against gays’ [because if you actually do your research it is not - by no means does it single out any people group or oppress them.  It merely upholds the law that has always been in place regarding marriage and its need for a definition,] but because it stands against the injustice that occurred when four judges in San Francisco decided to overturn the opinion of the majority of California.

I proudly sent in my absentee ballot yesterday.  Are you voting, Hezekiah?

Location:

Heather’s House

Time:

Monday morning.  Way too early.

I like to think that my writing is original, but then I realize that there are so many unavoidably cliche writing subjects that I find myself wandering into.  Think about how many songs/poems/blogs you have read with lyrics about gravity, water, and seasons.  There are so many common threads in what we creative, feeling, emo, artsy people associate our experiences and emotions with.  Yet there is no denying that there is a power in commonality.  I ask the question, why? Why do we all feel such a connection to this planet that we live on, to the point that we sympathize with its ‘moods’ and processes? From a biblical standpoint, man and his actions are deeply connected with his environment.  There are many biblical examples of man’s sinful nature having a negative effect on the land.  Jesus also spoke in many parables about the processes of sowing and reaping and also the value of fruit.  These can be seen as purely metaphorical, but if Jesus, fully God and fully man, was able to see reflections of life in the natural world around Him, then we should probably look for the same.

Anyways, aside from an interesting observation, I felt the necessity to start with such a rant to qualify myself to write a blog about seasons and not feel too cheesy or cliche.  That being said, in the Spirit of Jesus and his ability to see Creation as good and meaningful, here I go.

This is my first time to live somewhere where there actually are seasons.  Compared to mellow, laid-back Southern California, Kansas City is like a bi-polar drama queen when it comes to weather.  Each day has been different than the one before it, leaving me now in a literal whirlwind of leaves and clouds and starry nights and cloudy mornings.  I never know what to expect.  So other than my wardrobe expanding to accommodate such randomosity [new word - copyright DeGraff 08], I feel a new openness to the unexpected.  I feel the anticipation of possibility – that any day could be life-changing.  It’s exciting, and I suddenly realize that this is the way we are supposed to feel when we live with Christ as our head and leader.

Last night was the mark of another shift in my life.

By way of some divine mysterious workings, I ended up helping to lead worship for the high school group here at IHOP.  In lieu of my vocal history [here's some more on that] this was a meaningful experience, to say the least.  Afterwards, the worship leader received a call from a director and we were asked to start leading weekly.  It’s really exciting, but to be honest I felt predominantly fearful.  I have never felt like my healing is complete.  Although the Lord has promised me that I have a brand new set of vocal cords in heaven, I have not yet been given ‘full access’ to them.  I have always felt like I’m waiting for some ‘great commissioning’ into music ministry, prompted by a miraculous moment of instant and undeniable healing of my voice.  So I began to shrink back into maybe-land [the place where I got super wishy-washy about my commitments out of fear].

Later that night during a provokingly intense worship set led by Matt Gilman, I felt the Lord impressing things upon my heart.  He loves to use the weak vessels, that are full of fear, and don’t even really want to be on stage.  I have to think of the prophets of the Old Testament, especially Jeremiah.  There is no way that this young man wanted to be used as a despised prophet to the nation of Israel.  I almost feel like the Lord wants to use me because I am in a place of not wanting to be on stage.

I recently wrote a forum post for an online class about the concept of God being light.  There are soooo many references in the bible regarding both Jesus and the Father in reference to light.  Scientists don’t even know what light is, and it has to make you wonder what mysteries we will discover when we get to heaven and see the Father of Glory as described in Revelation 4 [read it and pray for dreams lol].  I stumbled across Psalm 104, which in verses 1-2 states, “You are clothed with splendor and majesty, covering yourself with light as with a garment.”  Further down, verse 14 sparked my curiosity, “You cause the grass to grow for the livestock and plants for man to cultivate.”  It makes me think of photosynthesis in the context of God being light, and Him also being the Sustainer of the world…hmm.  It almost makes too much sense.

So here I am in Kansas City, a student of the autumn season.  I look at the leaves of deciduous trees and think about what has caused the change from green to red, from one beauty to another.  The shift in energy from the sun.  These once lush green trees are virtually dying and it is stunningly beautiful.  In the same way, I see how the Lord removed His hand of light for only a season so as to cause a dramatic change in my appearance and function.  I am green to orange to red to barren, on display, in weakness and submission to His will.

And there is a beauty in the dying.

“For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So death is at work in us, but life in you…knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into His presence.”

II Corinthians 4:11-12, 14

11pm

Hot Cocoa & John Mark McMillan

The more people I meet, the more I am entertained by the idiosyncrasies that make us ‘us’.  I find great delight in learning the weird things that people share in common.  Here’s an example for the ladies: how many of you stick your hair on the wall of the shower? Growing up sister-less, I seriously thought I was the only one in the world who did that! And then I move into a room with 7 girls, thank you YWAM, and suddenly there’s hair ALL OVER THE SHOWER WALL.  How many of these humbling human antics have I yet to discover in my friends?  The topic of this post is another example of something we all are guilty of doing, sometimes in secret.

I’m talking about Google searches.

I will openly confess to Googling my own name multiple times.  I’ll take a wild guess that most of you have as well.  But what else do people waste their time away Googling?  All kinds of things.  And I have proof.  One of my favourite parts of this blog is the Statistics section.  Whether I’ve written a recent blog or not, I check the Stats all the time because it is so amusing.  This post is dedicated to those of you who have ended up on my page from search engines.  Forgive me if this feels like mockery but I feel that as long as you are anonymous, you are fair game.  Trust me, I would love to know who some of you are, especially those who have ended up here in search of serious answers, guidance, prayer, whatever.

Just for fun, here’s a few of the searches:

• Ron Gollner [I'm surprised they didn't run a search for 'ron gollner's biceps']

• Tabitha Neal photos [don't forget to lock your door at night, dear]

• discipline corsets [praise God I actually have a blog on this, otherwise I'd be worried!]

• why isn’t Misty Edwards in the prayer room [she's on a sabbatical]

• vocal chords in dreams [I would love to hear this dream]

• deep mysterious prayer [mm hmm]

• jason cruz bithday [I have to wonder if this was a high schooler doing a research paper, or did his mother-in-law forget his birthday?]

• rob bell go get the starfish [I'd love it if there was an exclamation point at the end of this one]

• ihop near scranton, pa [was Michael Scott craving french toast?]

• God is great we are not [I think Corey Russell has publicized this Job verse to the max.  Amen!]

• mosh pit punk [why, thank you]

• Sandy Flores [keep preachin' girl! Or Googling yourself...]

And last but not least, my favourite:

• obedient future husband discipline school [who knew such a thing existed? Could this be the true purpose behind IHOP?]

Anyways, that’s all.  For those of you mentioned above, congrats, you’ll probably get even more tags from now on =) A special thanks to anyone out there who falls under the category of transient blog-reader with a curious search agenda.  May you seek and find, and may your inquisitive spirit lead you into the truth that is Christ Jesus.

“The aim of our charge

is love that issues from a pure heart

and a good conscience

and a sincere faith.”

-1 Timothy 1:5-

Friday Morning

I think my favourite thing about my room here is that it perfectly frames the sun as it rises in the morning.  Many of you can testify to my log-like state of sleep, which has countlessly “affected” my ability to be an adult and get to places on time.  I cannot sleep in a windowless room or I will sleep for 24 hours straight.  Or more…who knows! But this morning I am grateful to have felt the sun shining on my face.  Through a small sliver of space between trees and window panes I felt the Lord’s delight in me as He gently woke me up to encounter Him in a brand new day.

There are many simple things in life that bring me joy like this.  Face masques [that came out first because I'm doing one right now, and no you can't have a picture], full moons, cashews, etc.  I’ve been reading a book for a class called the Celebration of Discipline, by Richard J. Foster, and the most recent chapter is about simplicity. Here are a few quotes for you to ponder:

“God made man simple; man’s complex problems are of his own devising.” Ecclesiastes 7:30

Because we lack a divine Center our need for security has led us into an insane attachment to things.  We really must understand that thelust for affluence in contemporary society is psychotic.  It is psychotic because it has completely lost touch with reality.  We crave things we neither need nor enjoy.

Further, it is important to understand that the modern counterculture is hardly an improvement.  It is a superficial change in life-style without dealing seriously with the root problems of a consumer society.

It is necessary to destroy the prevailing notion that the Bible is ambiguous about economic issues.  Often it is felt that our response to wealth is an individual matter. The Bible challenges nearly every economic value of contemporary society. [One quite interesting example: The Bible declares that wealth itself belongs to God, and one purpose of the year of Jubilee was to provide a regular redistribution of wealth.]

The book goes on to make a connection between our clingy-ness to things of this world with an underlying anxiety issue.  Instead of viewing everything on this planet as a gift form God, we feel as though we have earned a certain amount, and thus we feel the weight and responsibility of justifying and protecting our lot.  Foster states, “Obviously these matters are not restricted to possessions but include such things as our reputation and our employment.  Simplicity means to trust God for these [and all] things.”

In the search to purchase a car out here in Missouri, I’m suddenly faced with how wrapped up my own identity is in my possessions.  I’ve been spending way too much time on auto sale websites, researching every possible combination of make/model/year, as if there is a ‘soul mate‘ car out there for me.  Yes, I believe in being a wise steward of the money God has entrusted me with, but I suddenly realize the absurdity in my desperation to find a car that represents me.  And there it is! The root of this issue for me is wanting to be known, even outwardly through my possessions.  It’s an identity issue.

I’m robbing myself of being a bearer of the image of God if I believe that any man-made item could then bear my image.

A few words from the book of Jeremiah on this lusty materialism that I am praying would be cut from my heart:

“For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” 2:13

God desires for us to not even seek satisfaction aside from Him.

“…because from the least to the greatest everyone is greedy for unjust gain.” 8:10

Ouch.  This verse if referring to both the poor and the rich.  In Jeremiah’s day [which I believe is much like ours], all people were bound with addiction to wealth, whether they had it or not.  A poor man can still be greedy.  I am convicted on ways I have tried to manipulate situations and try to get more than I deserve, or retain money instead of holding it loosely.

Lord give us wisdom.  Let us not have stubborn hearts.  Show us our true identity and free us from these costly masks we have flaunted.  Let us depend on you and find freedom from anxiety as we live more and more as citizens of your Kingdom.

Wow, I wish I’d noticed this earlier in the month!

Anyone can go to the Prayer Room’s website and sign up for free subscription for the month of September.  The prayer room at IHOP has been founded upon the concept that we are called to create for God a dwelling place [temple] here on earth.  While most ‘temples’ are occupied Saturday nights and Sunday mornings, this one runs 24/7 and is coming up on it’s 9th birthday as a house of night and day prayer.  It incorporates constant worship, intercession, and meditation on the Word.  I find myself leaving it on while doing other things [dishes, homework, etc] as a means to strive to pray unceasingly and maintain that internal connection with the Holy Spirit throughout the day.  Check it out! You might even see me in there ;)

Kansas City

11:07pm

Drip drip drop little…September showers…

I flew into Kansas City late on Monday night [Labor Day] after a brief and bittersweet week or so in Oceanside.  The monumental moments of my time at home included finally singing for the voice doctors at the Scripps Annual Voice Conference in La Jolla.  All I can say is the night was intense and God called me to be obedient when it made the least sense…which in this case meant praying before I sang…which started the uncontrollable weeping…and then singing the first song…still weeping…and then finally coming through strong and clear for Phil Wickham’s “You’re Beautiful” and Sinead O’Connor’s “Thank You for Hearing Me“.  By a worldly perspective, I probably made a fool to those who could not understand or were offended by me proclaiming my heavenly Father to be the ultimate Healer, but I know that in reality His face was shining down on me in delight for being obedient.  “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice…” [1 Samuel 15:22].

Other notable encounters while at home were reuniting with long lost friends [at least it felt that way] and going to the Pre-Call Prayer Rallies in Santee.  Throughout the whole week that I was home, I would start crying every time I talked about California.  I feel as though God is starting to give me a real burden to pray for my state.  That we would see revival in our churches, and that He would continue to show His mercy in purifying the church.  On September 24th, the IHOP community is being invited into a 40-day fast for California and for the elections, ending on November 4th.  In prayer, I have grown a deep desire to join the fast and feel as though my purpose at IHOP [for now] is California.  I welcome any friends back at home to join this battle of prayer and fighting the flesh as a means to set our hearts before God and ask for Him to use us in our weakness.  A good resource that highlights Biblical reasons on why to fast as well as the practicals on how to fast [though I haven't read it yet] is Mike Bickle and Dana Chandler’s book The Rewards of Fasting: Experiencing the Power and Affections of God.  Only 8 bucks on Amazon! Here’s a link to an article [free!] written by Lou Engle also talking about the powers of fasting, with an interesting story and revelation about the life-span of flies [did you go back and read it yet?]

So after the chaos of reorganizing my life to fit into a suitcase, a backpack, and a guitar case as well as doing as much hit-and-run ministry as possible, I prepared to leave for the city of Kansas…or Missouri… depends on what mood I’m in because I live right by state line =) The first few days have been an odd but anticipated blend of excitement and overwhelm.  I have been able to reconnect with friends around the missions base and am relieved and reminded that everything really happened this last summer! Today we had orientation and I am suddenly aware that I have signed up for a school, and not a summer internship.  One word: homework.  But it’s the best kind of homework.  It’s homework that will enable me to go deeper in experiencing and understanding God and myself.  And it doesn’t count as cheating if He helps me =) The average school day for me will include 3 hours on teaching [the first module being The Eternal Glory of an Intercessor, with Corey Russell], 4 hours in the prayer room, assigned Bible study, meditation, reading, journaling, and any in-class assignments.  Plus we have special Call Institute meetings with Lou once a week, 6 hour prayer watch on Friday nights, as well as church and small groups on Sundays.

Near the end of the orientation meeting, I felt as though I would barely see the light of day this year, not buried on snow but buried in books! I suddenly felt a word from the Lord that he ws putting a corset on me.  I thought, ouch I did ask to be more disciplined.  They are even having us make financial budgets and schedule out each hour of the day! Even sleep! Feeling the pulling of strings on my newfound spiritual corset, I realized that brides wear corsets, which gives me a beautiful vision of God disciplining those called by His name our of love, and in order to beauty them as a bride on her wedding day.  Later at a chapel meeting, Misty Edwards spoke about the Parable of the 10 Virgins [Matthew 25] and wrecked me in longing for intimacy with Christ.  She spoke about how the oil that the five wise virgins prepared for their lamps is a metaphor for time spent in communion with the Holy Spirit.  This is what prepares us to know and be known by the bridegroom, Christ Jesus.  Oil = time.  “But God, how am I going to even have time to spend with you if I am so busy studying and reading?” I questioned.  “Is this not the corset you have chosen?” He answered.

Silence…you win God.

I am left comforted.  Comforted by the sound of the rain pattering outside.  Comforted by the way my Australian host family says my name “Alyss-er”, much like the Kiwis said it in New Zealand.  And I am comforted by the knowledge that this is the corset I have chosen, and that His eyes are upon me and He is in even more anticipation than I am.  I’m all girdled up and freer than ever.

[It is to be noted why I have not included words such as corset and intimacy in my title, and that is to avoid spam.  Then again, I could trick someone into getting ministered to =) Naw, I'll stick with girdle.  Praise God for thesauruses...has anyone else ever thought that a thesaurus sounds like a dinosaur name?]

Around Noon

On a train to Philadelphia…

I wonder if I’m anywhere near Scranton, Pennsylvania =)  It’s weird to think that my “Jim” could be anywhere [if you don't watch The Office, this won't make much sense.]  He could be sitting in the seat a few rows in front of me, or he could be in Russia! It has started to feel like this great mysterious adventure.  I am grateful that I did not have a high school sweetheart.  I am grateful that God has gifted humans with a heart for romance, which inherently involves inklings of suspense and wondrous pursuit.  I’ve gotten to the point where I definitely want to get married, and feel as though God also wants me to get married, however I am cupping it with open hands held up in the air.  Although there are many reasons I want to eventually be a wife, at the moment I long for the independence that comes from the dependence.  Let me elaborate.  As a young woman, there are many things I cannot do simply because I am a young woman.  I long for the freedom to travel anywhere or to go camping on a whim.  Not that anything physically prevents me from doing this, but I just long for the sense of safety and security of having a radiant and ruddy man alongside me for the journey.

At this point in my walk with God, I feel as though I am beginning to understand His pursuit of my heart as a romancer.  For the past year, He has taken me through the book of Hosea countless times, and has recently begun to open up the revelations with Song of Solomon.  The first book mentioned is about a man, a prophet, who felt the Lord tell him to marry a prostitute and then be prepared to experience heartache after heartache for she would surely be an unfaithful wife and perhaps even bear the children of other men.  Now, why on earth would a loving God do something like this? Doesn’t he want us to be equally yoked in relationships and to have a suitable partner? In this case, Hosea’s purpose in life was to write the story of his life as a prophetic imagery of Israel’s unfaithfulness to God.  In Hosea 1, it says “When the Lord first spoke through Hosea…”  First?!?  If the first thing the Lord ever spoke to me was “go marry a prostitute” I doubt I would be obedient.  I doubt I would even consider that God had spoken to me.  Aren’t we supposed to discern His voice by comparing it to the God we know from scripture?

One of the most critical things I have re-learned this summer at the International House of Prayer was listening for the voice of God.  Not an understanding of the End TImes or knowing the strategies to plant a prayer furnace, but merely listening and waiting in prayer.  The funny thing is that after my YWAM DTS in 2006, this was what I stated was the biggest breakthrough: actually hearing God speak to me.  I look back and realize that after two years of ministry, college, and well, just life in Southern California, I had set aside belief in the very thing that changed my life in the first place.  Why do we so easily forget the important things?

Just before leaving for Kansas City, I had clearly heard Him speak and was thrilled! Now don’t get me wrong, I have never been lucky enough to hear an audible voice.  I refer to the soft whispering of His Spirit.  The Holy Jiminy Cricket [hope that's not blasphemous.]  I felt in my heart that God wanted me to come to IHOP with an open heart; no strings attached and complete openness to whatever that month and the future may hold.  So I did.  I came with an expectancy for Him to impart some great vision of what I would do next and then to send me either back to Oceanside or off to Lebanon or anything really.  Over the month of July I received from Him many promises and visions, but no sense of commissioning.  I imagine that my wrestling with this was much like Hosea’s probably was: “Wait, was that really God? Maybe it was part of my weird imagination.  I bet what He meant was _____.”

After time and prayer into the situation, I felt like it was God’s will for me to remain in a time of prayer and waiting.  In response to this decision I have decided to dedicate a season of my life to prayer and will be moving to IHOP, Kansas City for the school year.  As I reflect on my decision, I realize it has to be a “God thing” because it really makes no worldly sense.  I haven’t had an actually job in a year because of my vocal cord injury.  As a teenager I vowed to never move to the Midwest [LOL.]  I really should be finishing my bachelors because that is just what you are supposed to do [not that I really care too much.]  And not to mention, prayer…?  How do you explain 6 hours a day in prayer to someone, Christian or non-Christian?

The way I see it is there are sooooo many different things I could do in ministry.  I could easily go back home, pick up the small group again [love you girls!!!], continue to lead worship, finish school, plant a prayer furnace, etc. but what if it is second best to something else? What if after I die, I stand before the Lord and He says. “Well done, good and faithful servant.  You did many things that were good in my sight……but do you want to see what you could have done if you had waited a little longer?“  I suppose if we are going to spend eternity in connection with God [ahem prayer and worship], I might as well get good at it now!  While I am at IHOP I will also be attending The Call Institute, which is a part of the Forerunner School of Ministry, under the leadership of Lou Engle, Mike Bickle, Allen Hood, and a few others.  I cannot wait to get a firmer foundation in the Word of God.  For the record, I will be flying home tonight, and then will be in Oceanside until around the 1st of September so let’s hang out and celebrate all that God has done at New Song Church and in our friendships!

If I could give any [temporarily] parting words to my dear friends in Oceanside, they would go something like this, “Be still and know that He is God.  Remember the First and best commandment, which is to love the Lord you God with all your heart, mind, and strength.  Seek His kingdom first, and he’ll take care of the rest! He is faithful, and is not afraid to prove His faithfulness to you if you take the time to ask.  Do not let anyone convince you that prayer is a waste of time.  It is conversation with the GOD THAT CREATED THE UNIVERSE.  And He loves you!  He loves you.  He loves you.  He wants nothing more than for you to receive His love and seek to love Him in return.  Ministry, service, loving people, all mean nothing if we have not fallen in love with Him first. Be encouraged that the entire Bible can be summarized as a love story of God longing to save man though we prostitute ourselves over and over again.  All so we could dwell with Him again.  This is the message of Christ.  ALL done so we could stand blameless and cleansed of rebellion in His presence.  HE is our only hope of glory.  HE is our Saviour, Creator, and Husband.  Our faithful, jealous, ever-pursuing Hosea.  Dear Bride, all that He wants is your heart.”

I also feel like mentioning that if anyone reading this would like to contact me, my email is missiealyssie@yahoo.com.  I will also note that I am going to be an “intercessory missionary” at the International House of Prayer, and if anyone feels moved to support me financially or in any other way, you can send a message to the same address for more info.  God bless you and keep you!

For she said, “I will go after my my lovers, who give me my bread and my water,
my wool and my flax, my oil, and my drink”…And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain,
the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold.
Hosea 2v5&8

And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me ‘My Husband’
and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal’ [Master]…And I will betroth you to me forever.
I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice,
in steadfast love and in mercy.  I will betroth you to me in faithfulness.
And you shall know the LORD.
Hosea 2v16&19-20

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
Hosea 6v6

For your love is better than wine.
Song of Solomon 1v2

Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
SoS 8v6-7

Greetings from the road my friends!

I am currently in a quaint coffee shop in Charlottesville, Virginia, on my way to Washington DC for The Call.  The walls here are decorated with stunning photographs from a young man named Eric Kelley with a heart for both missions and coffee.  It reminds me that there are people all around in unexpected places with hearts burning for God like mine. I cannot begin to describe what has happened in me over the past month.  Well, actually I can, and will make a poor attempt to, but let it be noted that I have longed to write a million and one blogs over the past 5 weeks and here I am with #1.  There is no way everything is going to fit on this screen.

Monday evening

June 9th, 2008

Sometimes the imaginative tangents of my own mind surprise me. I just had a thirty second ‘brainstorm’ [who the heck invented that title anyways?] that even left me surprised at my own randomness. It went like this: Hmm woooord-preeeesssss. That sounds like a machine somebody uses to press words. Is that like pressing grapes? Then I got this visual of myself, as if in the cartoon Fantasia, jumping around in a vat of grapes making wine. And that, my friends, is the kind of love [and absolute absurdity] that goes into my carefully prepared blogs. I know. I’m special.

So anyways, the other night I had a lovely adventure with my dear friend Chelsea. She took me out for an early birthday celebration since I will be in Kansas City next month. One thing I love about ‘us’ [we have been close friends since sophomore year of high school] is that we are both people-watchers. Now that combined with our monumental eclipse of singularity meant for a night of ’shopping’ as we called it. It was more for the innocent sake of entertaining ourselves than meeting guys. And entertaining it was…

We found ourselves at a venue known as Soma seeing the band known as Strung Out. They have been my single favorite punk/hardcore band since high school and I have seen them at least 4 times. Aside from Chelsea and myself, their following in the Southern California area has a distinct uniform. Black t-shirts, baseball hats, sideburns, dickies, vans etc etc. We found ourselves standing at the edge of a giant mosh-pit, the smell of which reminded me a giant arm-pit, and Chelsea made a hilarious observation. Looking into the circle of guys running around, if you take away the flailing arm movements all you have left are a bunch of shirtless guys skipping. It’s like ring-around-the-rosie for big boys. Thinking of the ’shopping’ analogy, it reminded me of some huge turnstile vending machine. Except it was full of pretzels and I don’t even like pretzels all that much.

So needless to say, I did not meet my future husband at this wonderfully smelling event.

I did however realize that I still have most of Strung Out’s lyrics memorized, and I haven’t even listened to this band much in the past few years. Strange how my memory works. Being a bit older and more cultured, I was suddenly listening to these words that had been branded upon my brain and realized that they are extremely powerful. A lot of their songs are directly political, stirring an emotional sense of restlessness regarding the status of the world. Their lead singer, Jason Cruz is extremely intellectual and passionate about what he uses his voice for. [Using the vending machine analogy, I'd describe him as a 'chocolate-covered pretzel', which is a 100% more interesting and desirable than a regular pretzel]. Examples of his inner conflict can be seen in one song, No Voice of Mine:

The wind is shifting, something’s different in the air. I see it in the form of choices everywhere
And I’ve been asleep a lifetime just to wake in time to find
The voice that has been speaking for me is no voice of mine…

My eyes fixated on the life I left behind, a puppet’s dreams of being human every time

That a string gets pulled before you know, you’re dancin’ to the lie
Someone else’s vision of the perfect wasted life

It’s in the way we never seem to get it right
A systematic form of bowin’ down and under

And all we know is what we are,
Without the faith in who we are. So desperate……

Somethin’ here has gotta give and my instincts
fill me with this dread, that I’ve become what I’m
tryin’ to kill,

that my appetite is my free will…

I began to think about how intense it is that there were probably 1,000 people singing along with Jason that night, or at least being exposed to his thoughts. In between two songs in particular he was shouting “We are the reversal!” I was left thinking several things. 1.) Wow this guy is so intense, I think I would enjoy talking to him…maybe. 2.) Do these people in the audience agree with what their chanting? Do they feel the same sense of dissatisfaction, misrepresentation, desperation, and hope for change? Or are they as ignorant as I was when I was 16. 3.) Everyone seems to be talking about how things need to change. Change, change, change. Now if you know me well, you know that I will preface any political conversation with the warning that I am fairly ignorant but happy to comment on a discussion. From what I hear, Obama likes to talk about change, and it is no wonder my generation seems to support him. Especially if their thoughts are similar to Jason Cruz’s. But what even is this change? People seem hungry for a new era, but beyond this wanting, are we just waiting to be told what to do?

[Just a question. I am the first to admit my democratic slumber, and my lack of doing much to actively affect the landscape of our nation. Although I am being stirred...]

May 22nd

So this is more of a response to yesterday’s entry. Last night was capped off with an amazing small group [I adore my girls!] and some q-time with my favorite roomie. We watched Rob Bell’s latest Nooma video on Youtube, called Shells. I’ve inserted it below, assuming they haven’t taken it down yet.  Watch it!!!!!! It talks about letting the ‘good’ get in the way of the ‘best’.

As I crawled into my bed, I noticed my somewhat neglected read, One Thing by Dwayne Roberts, sitting on my desk. Considering it was past 1AM and I had two finals the following day, I was being foolish to stay up and read an entire chapter. Thank God I did.

I found it a [non]coincidence that this chapter, titled Liked By God, enveloped everything my day had taken my through. Here are a few excerpts:

God has placed an amazing individual destiny before each of us, and there is no shame in wanting to see it through to its glorious end. With that said, though, making that your end goal will leave you disillusioned and bewildered. And you see, that was my end goal.

Sure, I was sort of naive and ignorant. For all I knew, this was who I was, and I had the drive, so there was no reason not to do [ministry]. However, my identity was wrapped up in it. If I did great, I felt great; if I didn’t do so great, I felt defeated. But if you ever tried to separate me from ministry, I would have thought you’d ripped out my soul, my very core, and just left it writhing as you waited for it to stop gasping.

..it hit me: we are defined by how God feels about us, and God’s delight is not defined by our failures or successes. As we grow in revelation of His delight and His pursuit of us, it begins to define who we are as individuals.

Amen.

]]> http://missiealyssie.wordpress.com/2008/05/22/final-final-day-letting-go-of-the-shells-to-go-after-the-starfish/feed/ 0 missiealyssie http://missiealyssie.wordpress.com/2008/05/21/the-final-humpday-not-explicit-read-on/ http://missiealyssie.wordpress.com/2008/05/21/the-final-humpday-not-explicit-read-on/#comments Thu, 22 May 2008 01:00:28 +0000 Alyssa DeGraff http://missiealyssie.wordpress.com/?p=12 ]]>

Location: Big blue couch at the homestead

May 21st

“I write to find out what I think.” -Joan Didion

There are moments of ecstatic joy that push a writer into the arm’s of her journal, and there are moments of confusion and frustration. I am confused and frustrated.

Halfway through finals week, I am not yet done jumping through these flaming hoops [did I just compare myself to my least favorite type of dog?]  Today proved to be a true ‘hump day’ [Wednesday], marking that the week is both half empty and half full. So I had two finals for my Music Theory class today. For the first half of the morning, we presented our melodic compositions and talked about the previous week’s take home test. So far so good.  I was quite proud of my melodies and enjoyed presenting them. This was quite a feat for me because although I am on stage almost every weekend in front of people playing guitar and/or singing, when I have to do solo stuff [especially piano] I get crazy anxiety and freeze up. So one down…

The second final was a Music Skills test and my teacher signed me up last out of the class, so I had plenty of time to rehearse. Unfortunately when the time came to be tested, I froze like an Otter Pop in December. Chord progressions: decent. Sight reading rhythms: eh. Sight singing a weird variation of Amazing Grace: crap. Then my teacher decided to lecture me on my attendance [which really wasn't that bad], my inability to recognize my bad habits [gee I wish he'd told me I had those a semester ago], and his disappointment in my use of my natural talents.  He said it was a disaster.

It sucked and I cried. [I've always been the strong kind who swore she'd keep her cool and never cry in front of a boss or a policeman, but this just did me in.] We agreed that I would get a C in the class, which isn’t terrible, but I guess the whole experience was so horrible I might as well have flunked [luckily the class is only 1 unit.] I walked out of there feeling so humiliated and like a complete failure. And then I thought of what a crazy semester this has been and felt a little better. And then I remembered one of my mantras regarding my voice situation: “I am okay and at peace because my identity is not found in my singing, it is in Christ Jesus.”

Now, not to use this as an excuse for irresponsibility [which I do admit to in regard to this class], but as a child of God, I have the choice whether or not to let my failures [or successes] define me. And in the kingdom of God, our successes and failures do not define us. Yes, I believe in rewards in heaven.  And yes I believe that it is possible to fail when it comes to your concept of your relationship with God.  But when I imagine sitting down with this man Jesus for a cup of coffee what do I envision Him saying to me? “Alyssa, you know you should have practiced your solfeggio more”…Man, I hope not. I see Him extending compassion and understanding justice in a way I never will be able to. He says that I am brave and that I should never take pride in anything above Him.

Regarding writing and thinking, I also identify with Joan Didion.  I think I have found a peace…

Thank you Father that I don’t have to strive for your approval. I thank You for not being a harsh or critical God who looks at my flaws under a magnifying glass [as if You'd need one to see them all].

-Al-